Pondering and wondering;

And there I was again, in front of my dinner, chomping down rice and beef and veggies; but no, it wasn't the food that occupied my thoughts. I had something else on my mind. Something that made me afraid of myself, and my lousy character traits. Ah yes, those who knew me during my secondary school days should probably have an idea of what I'm talking about.

Well, let me recount the kind of Alex that existed almost 5 years ago, the asshole he was - one who never took anything seriously.

Relationships not spared.

Til now I have always wondered, why me and not some other tall good-looking hunky guy. Of all the boys in school which all she had to do was just pick one and get it over with, she had to choose me - some obese short boy who goofed around like an idiot. Or perhaps it was just puppy love, perhaps she was conducting some great experiment and me of course, the poor little test rat caged up and always thinking what the hell am I doing here. But I refused to believe in that. After all, even puppy love requires emotions. Nothing will surface unless you start to take a liking to somebody in your class; in my case, someone sitting just right behind you.

You approached me, dropped hints like bits and pieces of cheese and well, there is no love unless the feeling is mutual. But still, I was afraid. Afraid that our secret might be let out, afraid of what my parents would say, afraid of everything. And that somehow turned to ignorance and the me who couldn't be bothered to initiate a day together. I stayed home like a lazy bastard playing computer games all day long and replied to your calls, always longing, yet always cowering in fear.

A few months down the road, you stopped all forms of contact. In the classroom we acted like ordinary classmates. Instead of turning to the back for help you turned to the girls beside you. I was as transparent as glass. Punishment for my misdoings? Yeah definitely. But I couldn't take it. I released my feelings by doing what I did best - gaming. That probably blew the whole thing.

Some of you might still say, "bah, puppy love, nobody gives a damn and you should too." Deep down inside I'm still trying to figure out the good part of me she found, even up to this day. And she never told me.

Because I was afraid of asking her.

Fuck you, Alex.